A UFO may have smashed into a mountain crag by Loch Ness, it was revealed yesterday. Metallic debris and carbon deposits have been found around an area of woodland in which several trees have splintered and a length of electrical cable has been completely vaporised. Radio reception is still impossible within the immediate vicinity and the area has been cordoned off due to concerns for public safety.

"I looked out of my window at about 10 o'clock last night", said local B&B operator Miss. H. McCrichtie (64). "All I could see was a wee dull green glowing thingy about a hundred yards off in the distance. It wobbled a bit and then I heard a loud popping noise."

Paranormal expert, Dr. Arnold Smith (35), told the Loch Ness Inquirer, "this kind of witness report is quite typical and fits into the mould for the Great Glen Area. We are developing a theory that the unique geological structures found within Loch Ness are in fact some kind of advanced navigation device for interplanetary vehicles. These UFOs may plummet through our atmosphere at tens of thousands of miles per hour, thereby requiring an easily identifiable and very long and straight landing strip, such as the Great Glen itself." Core samples taken from beneath the loch's surface indicate the presence of radiation and other anomalies and we feel this may be due to regular use as an airfield".

A Loch Ness project has been set up to facilitate researchers hoping to utilise heavy digging equipment to excavate the area around the crash site. Early spectrographic analysis of the metallic dust, which coats everything within 30 metres of the site, indicates the presence of a completely new element. "The really incredible thing", said Dr. Smith, "is that objects coated with this dust appear to get very slightly less heavy. We may actually have discovered a compound capable of reducing, or in some way interrupting gravity waves. The ramifications of this research could be enormous and I would speculate that the thermocline we see in Loch Ness (a giant underwater wave) may be the result of this compund interacting with underwater currents."