Researchers "startled" by discovery of Piranha Midges
Professor Julian Myrtleman of the Australian Centre for Bio-Insectoid Research & Development has announced the discovery of a new type of midge (also known as "gnats" or "sand-flies") "Serrasalmus nattereri-simuliidae".
The new Loch Ness monsters have already been dubbed "Piranha Midges" and are wreaking havoc around the area. Speaking exclusively to the Inquirer & Inquisitor, Professor Myrtleman said "these little critters form a dense cloud around any large insect or small mammal they come across. They can strip off all its flesh within a few seconds".
Stories of local campers under attack by midges are nothing new but the Inquirer & Inquisitor understands that reports of attacks by the aerial piranhas are starting to surface. David Gumbalson, on holiday from Iceland siad, "I had just put out my lantern and was retiring to my sleeping bag when I heard a loud buzzing and ripping noise. I opened my tent door and was amazed to see a cloud of yellowish midges consuming the leftovers on my barbeque. It was very scary".
The Loch Ness Inquirer & Inquisitor understands that Mr. Gumbalson was so badly traumatised by his experience that he had to cut short his holiday and return to Iceland. His GP stated that he had prescribed his patient lithium and 6 months with a Post Traumatic Stress Therapist. Scientific speculation now centers on the origins of the new flesh-ripping superbugs. Professor Myrtleman's assistant, Dr. Sheila Havasmil PhD MrTTy FRjPcc suspects radioactive mutation. "We have already found several previously unrecognised creatures beneath Loch Ness and know that it contains unique radioactive compounds. Critters like the humble midge could quickly evolve or mutate into different entities if they were exposed to such gamma-ray sources. This is an interesting Loch Ness research project."
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board and a government spokesperson was unavailable for comment at time of going to press but 10 Downing Street has acted swiftly to deny that radiation in Loch Ness is caused by leakage from the Dounraey and Windscale Nuclear Facilities.