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Nessie could be a “mutated bottom-feeder”

The effects of GM trials are, as yet, unknown, but evidence is emerging that bottom-feeding fish are occasionally subject to mutation and may have evolved a radically different species that now lurks in the dark and mysterious depths of Loch Ness.

Professor Theo Svenson, senior research fellow at the Institute for Practical Applied Genetic Research and Propagation said, “Loch Ness is a uniquely large body of water which contains caves of unknown depth and which may well link to the North Sea. Our research has shown that the nature of Loch Ness plankton and bottom-feeders may be very different to the known species found elsewhere on our planet. This could be due to background radiation or other factors we do not yet fully understand. Certainly, traces of Chernobyl radiation and other unique gamma-sources have been found in the sediment that lies at the loch’s bottom and this may have an effect upon the DNA structures of its largely captive fish and eel stocks". 

Professor Svenson now hopes to secure additional funding to enable further research: “I want to core deeply into the loch’s bottom”, he said, "in this way I may uncover vital hidden clues about the mutated bottom feeders; their DNA and genetic background”. 

The professor feels that the Chernobyl disaster is too recent to account for large scale genetic mutation but it may be acting as a “catalyst” and speeding up the changes that his Loch Ness research team has observed.

Dr Mary O’Reilly PhD, Research Director of the Institute for Geological Land Research, is also excited by the prospect of rapid DNA mutation. “If Professor Stevenson’s Loch Ness research is found to be correct it has wide implications for the evolution of life around the planet. We need large-scale research programmes to examine the potential for human genetic modification among populations living around nuclear facilities and other high-radiation zones. Loch Ness may provide the missing link that explains the whole relationship between evolution and mutation.” 

Professor Svenson confirmed O’Reilly’s remarks: “She is quite right. I can imagine humans evolving down quite separate paths due to radiation accelerated mutation. Perhaps we could see separate 'quasi-sub-humanoid species' in as little as nine generations into the future. It would not surpise me to find members of the new mutated sub-species living around Loch Ness today - they may be difficult to spot apart, however.” 

A government spokesperson was unavailable for comment at time of going to press but the Scottish First Minister's Office is thought likely to deny any link between the mutations and govenment research projects.