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Loch Ness Killer Plankton

"Avoid fist-sized Loch Ness plankton"

In a bizarre twist to the recent reports of a radiation belt beneath Loch Ness, swimmers and fishermen are being warned of a new peril. "Super plankton" are believed to have already attacked and killed several trout and at least one seal.

Dr. Postna of the Institute for Bio Aquatic Analysis told the Loch Ness Inquirer, "we normally find microbe sized plankton living on a diet of microbial vegetation, but this is something new. Some of the plankton in Loch Ness are aggressive carnivorous predators, which have mutated and grown upto 7.5cm (3 inches) in diameter."

Loch Ness Swimmers Warned

Radioactive Elements

"The only possible reason is the existence of formerly undiscovered radioactive elements beneath Loch Ness. We are going to have to carry out a great deal of research and the ramifications for the rest of the planet are quite obvious."

The Loch Ness Inquirer has been told that some researchers wanted to keep the discovery quiet. One well-known individual said, "Loch Ness already has a reputation for 'pseudo science' and attracts a variety of dabblers and paranormal enthusiasts. A story about massive plankton chasing after human swimmers is only likely to attract more unorthodox interest and that could harm the serious hunt that is continuing for the Loch Ness Monster".

Loch Ness water - take care

Possible Quango Action

Attempts to poison the killer plankton have been ruled out; Loch Ness is home to many salmon and other aquatic wildlife and the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (SEPA) is not likely to approve dumping of toxins and PCBs into the loch.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board and the Inland Oceanography Council for Bio Aquatic Diversity Sciences was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.